Self censoring

For some reason the tone of my blog changed a little this past 6 months. I've gone a little shallow with what I share. I haven't known exactly why but I have been censoring myself more. Maybe part of it is that the amount of people that read the blog has increased a lot. I think I feel more self conscious about it. I'm not saying that it's bad. It's flattering and really amazing that people care enough to read. It just feels more intimidating.

Also, since Zoe came home she has shared so many things with us about her life before. I am very careful about what I share. I don't want her to feel like I violated her trust or privacy. So I wait until she makes things public knowledge before sharing them as such. So there are those things I can't write about.

Then there is my deep fear of criticism. YES! I have issues. I am really working on this and it has improved. Last year my deep blogs were about this crazy inner struggle related to the adoption.

First off... I was so at the end of myself last year that I didn't give a flying FLIP what anybody thought about me. Plus mean people are less critical when you are miserable! It's the happy people they can't stand. :0) I have watched some of my great blogger friends get harassed and trolled for no particular reason. I don't know why people would read blogs they don't like. Why not just leave? What purpose does it serve to stick around and be abusive?

Truly I have not had a problem myself. I have the coolest blogger buddies in the world. BUT I always wonder what would happen if you all REALLY knew what I thought.

So I guess I have gotten scared to open my mouth about what is really going on in this heart and mind of mine. The truth is it's been HUGE! I feel like I am changing and growing at a crazy pace. Trouble is.... the stuff I am discovering about myself is that I am well.... very DIFFERENT from many people I know.

I see things differently than I used to see them. I have been figuring out a little more of who I want to be and what I want my life to look like. The things I want will rock the boat. My opinions are different than most of our society. 5 years ago the things I believe and want to do would have surprised ME!

So I guess I haven't been ready to put it all out there yet.

I guess the thing is though... I don't want this to be the "here are my pretty pictures blog." This is ME and MY BLOG. I think it's kinda pathetic that I am scared to say what I want to say on my own blog. Seriously! Get a back bone WOMAN! How can you make a difference if you walk afraid.

SOOOOO... I have made a decision. There will be less censoring on this blog. Please! If you don't like it don't feel the need to comment. Just don't come back. It won't hurt my feelings. Trust me... there are lots of blogs I don't read. They just aren't my thing.

This will be a great opportunity for me to GET REAL and stop being such a freakish WIMP!
:0) Angel