Inadequate

I am surprised by it- shocked by how I feel about Africa. I expected something that never came. I don't know how to describe what I am saying here. I mean- yes there were parts that were hard. Angel likes her running water when she is barfing. More on that later. ;0) BUT overall I expected it to be harder on me.

Before I left I was well aware that something huge was coming in Africa. I knew I was saying yes to something. I had no idea what that something was. I was becoming REALLY concerned that God would ask me to adopt a child I felt unprepared to handle. Or maybe I would be paralyzed by the desperate situation. I didn't know what to expect. I walked away convinced that my calling to Africa had to do with something entirely different.

During our adoption of Zoe I felt completely overcome with the reality of extreme poverty. My eyes were opened to a world I didn't truly comprehend. Yes, I had seen poverty all my life. No... I had not seen extreme poverty. It's a different world altogether. My gift of compassion also makes it very challenging to see so much pain. It took me a year to come to grips with what my daughter and so many like her have faced.

When I went to Africa I wondered if it would hit me all over again. Would I cry nonstop? Would I be able to function? So when I was OK it was a surprise. Now when I say I was OK... I don't mean not caring. Each time I looked at a child on the street my heart was pulled. Yet it was different this time. Something has changed. Call me crazy but I look at them with hope that I can do something. That I am doing something. This is where my struggle comes in.

I have begun to really relate with poor little old Moses. I mean seriously-the guy gets a bad rap right? Here he is in front of a burning bush. Hind sight is 20/20 right? We can look at him and say, "How could he DOUBT that he was on the right road? He had a BURNING bush and rod that turned into a snake!" Poor little Moses.... he was probably sitting there thinking, "I have REALLY lost it now. I am hearing this BUSH TALKING TO ME!!!!"

I know how he feels. One minute I am walking through Ethiopia and I feel it. I meet Hanna and I KNOW that I am meeting her because she prayed for God's help. We are Christ's hands and feet and I was there to help her. I feel like I can DO THIS. Like I could really make a difference just like Hanna has through her faith.

Then just as suddenly I feel so very, very weak. Well, I always feel weak. That's the wrong word. I don't need to be strong. It's not me that does any of this. I feel inadequate. I feel like screaming, "God! You have the wrong girl! I'm not cut out for this."

I want to be significant. I want to be a world changer but I can't even seem to shake my jet lag. I am so exhausted that going to dessert with 2 friends tonight sounds like a huge undertaking. How am I going to march into Ethiopia and help Hanna save hundreds of street children?

One obedient step at a time I suppose. All the same- Moses- I get it. Are you SURE you have the right girl? Are you sure? Cause I just want to take a nap.

Hugs, Angel