Wow.... well this is a tough one. Answering quest
ions about this for me has been walking a tight rope..
First- I am just now out of the thick of things and able to look back on the big picture. We have had Zoe home for 1 1/2 years. She was 7 when she came home.
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Second- I have wanted to be certain of Zoe's feelings on what she wants me to share and what she wants kept private. I feel more confident on this now.
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Third- many of the things we experienced I considered normal and fully expected. So I didn't share them cause they didn't surprise me. However, I am realizing these things may be something that was unexpected for someone else. My heart is to share in any way I can to help others on this journey.
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So here goes.... How do you put all this into one little post. I guess if I was gonna have to give one piece of advice you must know when adopting an older child it would be this. If you are going to adopt an older child it will force you to get over yourself. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just the truth. You are going to have to get that it's not about you. It really isn't.
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Adopting an old
er child was one of the most amazing and life changing experiences of my life. It turned me inside out and upside down. It rocked my world and changed my heart. I would consider our transition with Zoe very good overall. That doesn't mean it was seamless. For about 3 months Zoe had major melt downs every week or two. Her longest one lasted about 7 or 8 hours.... weeping, yelling, kicking, biting... yes the Zoe you know and love. I had to learn that it wasn't about me... it was about my heart condition and about a precious little girl who had lost everything. When she screamed at me that she hated me and wanted to move back to Guatemala... I had to know deep inside that it wasn't about me. It was about her being afraid I would send her back. She was going to leave me before I could leave her.
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When she told me I wasn't really her mother it wasn't about me. It was about her not knowing whether I would always be her mother or whether I would leave her like everyone else.
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When she sunk into herself for hours and wouldn't even look at me it wasn't about me. It was about her hiding from her own pain.... trying to escape into herself.
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When she lied about things that didn't even matter it wasn't about me. It was about her using survival skills that kept her safe and fed when she was in Guatemala.
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When she hit me and told me she didn't want to hug me it wasn't about me. It was about her not knowing how to receive comfort.
When she had a major melt down weeping session in the middle of a store and I had to practically drag her to the car it wasn't about me. It was about fear.... FEAR... FEAR!
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When I couldn't remember it wasn't about me I ended up in a ball in my bed weeping- asking Russ how I could do this. When I couldn't remember it wasn't about me I couldn't feel the bond I wanted to feel with this wounded little bird.
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When I could remember that this wasn't about me through my frustration- I could handle it better. I could talk to her about what was really going on. I could call her on her fears and watch her melt in a sweet little puddle every time. Suddenly my ferocious cat was a purring kitten thanking me through tears for understanding her fears and not making it about me. Suddenly my heart was melting with hers and she was mine. Deep in my heart I loved this girl with something deeper than I understood. She is my own personal miracle. .
My Zoe is not one dimensional. She was a wounded and deeply afraid and angry girl. She is healing. Her melt downs got further and further apart and shorter and shorter. Now they happen seldom and usually don't last long. Now I seldom make them about me.... my heart adores her and I know she adores me too.
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Zoe is one of the m
ost amazing people I have ever known. She is an inspiration for me. I love her deeply. She is kind, loving, helpful, compassionate, fun and just plain wonderful. She has made me a far better person because of who she is and what she has taught me. I can't picture any other child being more perfect for our family. She is woven so tightly into the fabric of who we are. She is a part of us. She IS us. I am so thankful I was able to figure out that it wasn't about me. If I hadn't learned that lesson I would have missed out on the treasure of who she is. Hugs, Angel