Just in case you were wondering I thought I would fill you in on HOW I am really doing. You know I like to keep it REAL around here and try not to just give you rose petals and butterflies picture of our life. I don't guess that really helps anyone cause it's just lies.
Here's how I am doing. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!! I am tired all day and at night I can't sleep. I am happy but I have broken into tears several times for only semi- reasonable things. I am on the verge of a Russ gripe out session at any moment. Poor guy only partly deserves it. LOL! ;0)
Here's how I am doing. I AM EXHAUSTED!!!! I am tired all day and at night I can't sleep. I am happy but I have broken into tears several times for only semi- reasonable things. I am on the verge of a Russ gripe out session at any moment. Poor guy only partly deserves it. LOL! ;0)
Kaiya is adjusting to the time change way easier than I am. It's not AWFUL. I just always seem to have a harder time adjusting to the time change coming back to the states than when I leave. Maybe cause the trip is so tiring that it just hits me harder. Who knows....
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Today I feel more awake. That's good. I think I am getting there. It's tough though. Saturday was KK's 5th birthday. I feel like such a loser mommy. We have done little things and told her we are celebrating a little bit for the whole week since things have been crazy. She is also having a family party in a few weeks. I still feel bad though cause I usually make such a big deal and I have had ZIPPO energy. I'll just hope to make up for it the rest of the week once I get back to normal.
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Russ is doing pretty awesome. He is CRAZY, NUTS in love with his new little girl. He is having to adjust to my helplessness due to exhaustion. LOL! I have not been super easy to deal with I am sure. He is great though.
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Kaitlyn seems to be adjusting pretty well to Kaiya. I am surprised how few waves this has caused. She seems ready to be a big sister. She has wanted to be held a little more but I think that was mostly missing mommy while I was gone. Today she seems more herself. Maybe the other shoe will drop but so far so good.
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Here's the big shocker. The hardest part has been ZOE! Now my social worker had warned me this might happen. So big props for Pat. You called it! :0) Now it's nothing huge and horrible. It's really not about Kaiya. She ADORES her. She is cuddling with her right now. However, it is bringing up wounds that haven't quite healed in her heart. She wishes she had been in our family when she was little.
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:0( Poor baby. It brings up all kinds of emotions for her to see Kaiya come into the family. In some ways it is wonderful for her to have another adoptive sibling. It also forces her to face emotions she often tries to ignore. Not a bad thing- but hard.
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We just had about a 2 hour heart to heart discussing it. We talked about how it's hard for us to see the whole picture of what God is doing in our lives. We talked about how sometimes I have to do things with Kaiya that make her so angry but it's because I love her. She doesn't see that. She is just angry. I told her that is how God is with us so many times. He sees what is the best for us. We only see what we want right now. We can't see the big picture. God will do what we need whether or not it makes us angry because He loves us so much.
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We talked about what would have happened if Zoe had been adopted when she was a baby. She could not have been in our family. We would not have been allowed to adopt her. We would not have had the money or the ability. She was born just 9 months after we got married. We just talked about it.... about how God was always bringing her here even when it was hard and painful. She was a part of our family long before we knew each other.
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So I think it's been a really good thing but emotional. So far out of the three kids this has been the easiest adjustment. That's the thing though.... adding a kid is ALWAYS hard I think. Well, unless you are super woman which I do not claim to be. Adding a new person in your life is always going to make things feel a bit insane for awhile. I love the explanation I saw on someone's blog. They said it was like a perfectly balanced mobile. Every time you add a person it's like you come up and WHACK the mobile as hard as you can. Everything goes nuts and it sways all over the place. It takes some time for it to rebalance and find a new normal.
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That being said it really is going SOOO well. I just adore Kaiya. She CLEARLY fits so perfectly into our family. All of us are already head over heels for her. All she has to do is give you that crooked little smile and bounce her head back and forth and you are a GONER! LOL! She is SO STINKIN CUTE! She is a little cuddly bug.
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I swear once I get rested the drool and the yogurt from head to toe will seem a LOT cuter too. Hee hee hee.... For the last 2 weeks I just keep thinking, " I forgot how much fun it is to have a little bitty one.... I forgot how much WORK it is to have a little bitty one."
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Overall I am a tired, happy mommy. I don't feel normal but I learned from Kaitlyn and Zoe that it's normal to NOT feel normal. Putting expectations on yourself about what you SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be feeling just makes you and everyone around you crazy. Every experience is different and works at a different pace. It's not bad or good or healthy or unhealthy. IT'S JUST LIFE!
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I think the more we embrace where we are the better we will do. We have to stop TRYING to be something better or bigger than who we actually are. We have to SURRENDER to where God has us and know that all the good we are is Him anyway. I think it's that surrender part that is the key to all of this. I just loved what my pastor said a few weeks ago. We CAN NOT be better. We can only surrender more fully. In that surrender is something so much bigger than ourselves. We can stop worrying about ourselves and what people might think. We are free because our goal is surrender. There is such a profound freedom and power in that. Suddenly life morphs into more than we ever dreamed it could be. It's amazing...
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That's all for now folks. HUGS!!! Angel
