Letter to a new Trust Based Parenting Momma

Recently I was contacted by a parent who is fairly new to Trust Based Parenting and feeling a bit overwhelmed. She found herself overcome with emotion as she saw parenting in a whole new light. As I wrote to her I wondered how many of you have felt the daunting fear of failure. As I have taken on this monumental task of parenting outside of "normal" I know I have felt that terror.. Many, many times. So I thought I'd share my response in hopes that it might encourage someone out there in bloggy land. I will edit a bit for clarity.

... I am so glad you got them (The Trust Based Parenting DVDs from TCU) and am grateful to hear they are hitting home... Though I know that can be so very painful and understand that feeling well. :-( It's hard sometimes. I can relate. This week, seeing hard truth, was so emotional for me too.

I have to hold on to knowing and embracing this is what has and what is going to help us all thrive as a family.

It's what we ignore that we can't fix.

It's not an ability to be perfect that makes us good moms. It's a willingness to be vulnerable and grow that makes us great moms.

So don't you dare become discouraged. ;-)

THIS is the stuff great moms do. They are weak sometimes and get real and break and grow.

I'm really proud of you for putting it all out there emotionally. It's courageous.

I have to remember not to let my mommy guilt or fear overwhelm me. When I first learned all this I had to forgive myself for not knowing what I didn't know. :-)

The Bible says we are responsible for what we know. Giving yourself and your children tons of grace is so important in this process. It's not about being perfect. It's about compassion and putting more and more tools in your toolbox.

I have talked to family after family who has been RIGHT where you are... The beginning of something beautiful. It's a scary, wonderful place to be but if you can let those emotions just flow, forgive yourself for being a human and then use your new tools to connect on this deeper level you will start to see some amazing things happen. I want to hear about them when they start.

OH!!! And don't try to start using all your tools at once. You'll be EXHAUSTED. Just choose 2 or 3 favorite new tools.

When I first started learning all this I remember realizing how punitive I was. Ugh! I had no idea how I would take this kinda thrill in making things "just." I felt awful. One of the first things I wanted to do was learn to do something different. I immediately started really ramping up giving choices about everything I could and doing re-dos.

After that I moved onto things like the IDEAL response, giving yes, empowering their bodies... And then sensory, and regulation techniques and... And... And...

Don't let yourself get overwhelmed by it. Learn to use one or two tools at a time and be grateful there are so many to choose from.

Now most of this comes very naturally. It was VERY hard at first. It was like learning to build a house. ;-)

You can do this slowly and surely with us all cheering you along and handing you any tools we know about.

Hugs!!!! Angel
PS um this kinda turned into a blog post... I may just copy it on there. I bet we aren't the only ones who ever weep during TBRI ;-)


Much love, Angel