I guess in the world of adoption this is the unforgivable sin right? And now I'm finally gonna talk about it. Sigh..
This post started in my head years ago. I'm going to confess here. There is a time I held judgment in my heart when I heard that someone had disrupted an adoption. I'm sorry. Truly I am.
I was young, stupid and downright ugly.
Now when I see anyone, especially from the adoption community, tearing down someone who has made this decision it breaks my heart. I'm not really angry at them. I just feel so very sad cause my view of the world has changed.
I guess I'm not as young anymore and I don't see it as black and white. I have friends now who have disrupted or chosen not to complete an adoption. I have adopted a precious little one from a disruption situation. I've had a chance to walk with people through that terrible valley.
In some of the cases I saw that I may have been forced into the same decision. In some cases I would not have made the same decision but saw why they did. In some cases I knew I would choose a different path. Yet, in each and every case there was something in common.
These people were absolutely broken. These families had put blood, sweat and tears into adopting these children just like I had. These people wanted it to work. What they were doing was a nightmare for them. They held a belief that this is what was best for that child.
As I walked this journey the thought occurred to me, "Why is it that the adoption community frequently offers virtual sainthood to a birth mother who makes the decision not to parent for a perceived good of the child but is ready to stone an adoptive mother who does the same?"
Why is it that if we go out on the limb to adopt and then fail the adoption community may just saw that limb off and let us fall?
Do I like disruption? Heavens no!!! I hate it.... I hate it with every fiber of my being. I hate it just like I hate divorce and children being orphaned and that we even NEED adoption and infidelity and bankruptcy and malnutrition and HIV and children with no education. I hate the brokenness and nature of the fallen world we live and love in.
Here's the truth though... These families that adopt... Sure, maybe there are some who are just TRULY evil and don't care about the child and were purely selfish. Let's be honest though... Not a whole lot of that kind of people jump through the hoops of fire required to adopt a child. These are people who not only took on the incredible task of parenting but took on the additional challenge of parenting a child from a hard place.
Maybe they shouldn't have done it. Maybe they didn't have the tools. Maybe they had unrealistic expectations. Maybe they made the wrong decision. Maybe they should have stuck it out.
Maybe.... Maybe not. I don't know. You don't know. And even if we do know it's kinda WAY beside the point isn't it?
Cause the truth is that few people are brave enough to adopt. These people were and then it failed and they feel like they failed. They are making a decision to give up a CHILD, to give up a dream, to give up what people think of them.... I can guarantee this is the worst time of their entire life and was not in the plan EVER.
Then the friends that have been their support are often the ones that pick up the sharpest, biggest stones. Maybe it's because we are afraid. Maybe we think if we yell loud enough it'll stop it from happening. Maybe we are afraid it'll happen to us.
I know the statistics now. This atmosphere doesn't stop disruptions from happening. It just means they happen underground and the people slink away to hide and hope they are forgotten because it's better than being condemned.
I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want to be a part of smashing someone who is already broken to bits. No matter why they are broken I want to be the one who is a safe place.
Whatever caused them to enter into the worst nightmare of their life I'd rather be a part of the healing than the sentencing. Maybe it was impossible... Maybe it was all their fault... For sure they are paying a steeper price than I can fathom without my heaping guilt and anger on top of them.
I want to be part of the solution. I want to be a safe place where adoptive families know they can turn no matter what they are facing. I want to learn tools to help parents walk their children to healing. I want tools to help parents who are broken and can't connect because of their own trauma. (which is quite common) I want to educate people on what the beauty and challenges are in adoption. I want to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. I want to help children be placed in homes where the parents and the children can find deep connection and thrive together.
So anyways... Disruption. That's where I am on that. In CASE you were wondering. :-)
Hugs, Angel
